Friday, January 23, 2004 :::
 
When I get up in the morning the first thing I always think of is Fel. Its really depressing me. I have been whinging and whining for a good 3 weeks and closing in on a month and no I have yet to get used to it nor have I given up on the fact that he may very well come back earlier. Sometimes it scares me as to why we both need each other so much. With every good there's a bad, so I definitely know that even though it is good that this proves our love for each other it is also bad because we then have become almost totally dependent on each other. Fel once said to me that he really would not know what would happen if I wasn't in his life. I fully agree.

Without Fel I have noone to confide in, noone to run to at my deepest darkest hour, noone to hug me to sleep, noone to give me reassurance, noone to spoil me, noone to nag at me for being silly, noone to pull me close and kiss me on the forehead, noone to finish up my food!, noone who will listen to me as I rant on about nothing in the car, noone to throw my tantrum at and MANY MANY MORE...Its a wonder how we take all these small unaccounted things for granted when in the end it makes up for everything that equates the relationship. It has only been with Fel that I am able to open up who I am inside, I am who I am with him and I am glad that he accepts me that way.

In a way I thank my previous relationship for teaching me how to be grateful for having someone like Fel. Sometimes I wonder how Fel was so patient with me in the beginning. Unlike many, he was the first to utter the 3 magical words. I on the other hand could not for a while. It frustrated Fel but he never once showed it because he was determined that we would work. I truly thank him for that because it was he that pulled me out of my hiding. For my readers who are wondering what happened...I shall try to explain in the shortest possible way I can.

Part One - The Introduction
My ex of 3 years cheated on me on a girl who is now a close friend of mine! Of course initially I blamed her and called her all the despicable names I could think of. But after a while I thought to myself. Dear ol ex was such a manipulative liar, if he could lie to me why couldnt he lie to her? I then dropped my hatred and vengeance knowing that one day she would see through his so-called "charm". Not long after that my ex came running back to me, then I was not fully over him as it had only been about a month. I was still in "mourning" and was in such a horrible state that I made the horrific decision of accepting him into my life again. The next 2 months or so was life changing.

Being a long distance relationship and having learnt that he could leave me so easily I decided I should be a social butterfly, something I was prohibited from doing for the 3 years I was with him. Thankfully a long lost friend from Malaysia came to study here and we hit it off straight away. Because of him I was then introduced to Fel. Meeting Fel at a dance party half drunk wasn't exactly the highlight of it all, it was the fact that I squatted outside the pub vomitting my brains out that left a lingering memory of Fel. You see I had more than 20 shots of god knows what that was passed to me while Fel had single handedly downed a small bottle of Jack Daniels.

Whilst I was trying to sober myself up along came Fel who then tried to hit on me! He asked me the silliest questions ever such as do you have a boyfriend? Do you know that long distance never works etc..I replied by saying why are you asking me so many questions. He then said cause I think you're pretty. At that point I was laughing my head off cause I could see he was exceptionally drunk but trying to act sober. Our converstion ended at that point and some friends took me home. I kept repeating the conversation in my head and laughed at it countless times. Ben (my long lost friend) sent me an sms in the morning asking if I was alright and if I wanted to go out. I then told him about silly Fel and he too started laughing. I didn't see much of him after that not until another party. Mind you I was still very much attached but somehow I knew that I did not want it to work out, I was only holding on to the 3 years instead of love. Looking back I think never truly loved him but rather needed companionship.

I saw Fel again at Ben's house and thought Hey thats that drunk guy and he looks kinda cool when he ISN'T drunk. Picture this...he walked into the house with his sunnies, with his long hair in tow flicking his car keys. I then found out that he drives a BMW and thought to myself, he probably gets tons of girls cause he flaunts it with his cash and car. Hey...honest opinion, wouldn't anyone and almost everyone think that way? I then didn't think much of him because I did not want to get involved with that sorta crowd. That weekend I met up with Ben at another dance party and along came Fel too. We drank and played some strange games, it shut at 2am and we were wanting more so we headed down to Tank. The guys did not like it so we headed back to this girls place where we all sat around, talked and played games till the very next day. Little did we know that this started a trend for the next month and a half.

Part Two - A New Beginning
I saw Fel daily from then on and managed to get to know him much much better. I confided in the small group that we formed, there were basically 5 of us that were almost inseparable. I got to know Fel better and it convinced me that he was different and not what I had earlier thought. We became great friends but somehow there was something that kept me back. During that time, I gathered enough courage to finally break off all ties with my ex. It was hard but I went through it with much needed support and encouragement from my close friends. I cried daily and did not attend uni, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and wait till it was over. I am thankful that I met the little group when I did because it was them who helped me the most and most of all Fel and Ben. There were questions as to whether Ben and I were going out but GOD NO! We were very close and he helped me, I was his only close friend here and he was very sensible about advise. Fel came into the picture not long after. Initially I thought he was falling for the other girl in the group so of course I kept my distance to see what would happen but funnily enough when I confronted Fel about it we hit it off so well.

We would chat all the time in person and online, if he saw that I did not reply for about 10 minutes he would ring me to see if I was alright (I was still "recovering" from horrid ex) I did not realize it but he was then falling for me and he confided in the other guys in the group. They all warned him that I could be on the rebound but that if it was meant to be he should try. I can't remember when and how it all happened after that but I remember one incident that proved to me that Fel was sincere and that I was slowly but surely falling for him. We were sending off one of the girls at the airport, I knew then that Fel had feelings for me he confessed some point in time (unfortunately I can't remember this). We were fooling around in the airport and somehow he managed to hug me. I turned around and his arms were still around me, I think he didn't let go at all! We were walking together (erm picture him hugging me from behind while walking) in the que and it just dawned on me that it felt so right. I was hesitant to push him away cause it truly felt right, so I left it as that. In the car he sat behind and again we were fooling around (Yes I'm extremely playful! mind you fooling around here does not mean kissing!)

From that day on he would intentionally put his arms around me and hug me when he thought I wouldnt resist. Apparently he knew THEN that he would have a chance...*BAH* men and their ego! He still took things slowly though but now he was able to show his feelings physically. I was trying to drop hints that it was alright to go further but I myself was unsure as I did not want to be unfair to him if it was a rebound. On my birthday the guys were supposed to take me to La Perouse to watch the sun set, somehow the plan did not materialize and we ended up in Fel's house. I wanted to watch a movie (if I only remember what it was) the other guys did not want to but Fel said that he would. We left the house and I did not know that it was only going to be me and Fel. I did not know to feel excited or nervous being alone with him.

We arrived at Fox Studios in the freezing cold and I was literally shivering, he held my hand and asked why didn't I bring my gloves as they were ice cold, he continued holding it apparently to "warm me up". Then I decided to drop a big hint that I was ready for the next step. I said something like "haha its only two of us watching a movie, people might think we're on a date." Wouldn't you think that that was a massive hint? But NOOOO...guess what he said " Yeah right I WISH!" He was SOOOOOOOO silly....I didn't know what to say because basically I was quite dumbfounded by his reply. We watched the movie and later went back to my place. I remember we even went over to Coles to buy some instant noodles cause we were so so hungry! We had a conversation after that and I agreed that we should start seeing each other but without commitments. He agreed and so we started dating on my birthday!

I had my birthday party that weekend and I think we shocked the rest when we hugged and what not. Of course I got drunk and he took care of me. He was telling Cynthia back at my place how he liked me so much but was afraid etc etc. I was drunk and half asleep but I remember that clearly! We became much closer after that and saw each other for many hours a day, there was once he brought a couple of videos over to my place to watch and we ended up falling asleep. He hugged me and kissed me as I was half asleep and strangely enough after many months I finally felt safe. On July 1st 2002 we officially started seeing each other seriously. It wasn't very long but I decided that I was happy to see him exclusively what more with all the effort and patience he had put into it. The months after that were absolute bliss, but I have to admit the first month was tough because I was learning to recommit myself into a new relationship but I must say Fel made it all too easy.

Sometimes when I look back on the things Fel did for me it really makes me wonder how he could've been so sincere and patient. His perseverance paid off but I do not know how he was able to take it when my ex would call me countless times and what more spread rumours about me AND Fel back in Malaysia. Can you imagine that my ex said that I was only with Fel cause he drives a nice car and is rich? Yes my ex is extremely childish and pathetic and to think he turns 26 this year!

It's strange isn't it how things work out and now we have that 5 year plan. I guess as we grow older we value lessons learnt from the past be it good or bad. I must admit that without Fel, I wouldn't be able to shine as who I am today. Thank You Fel!

::: posted by Sass O at Friday, January 23, 2004

Thursday, January 22, 2004 :::
 
Just like to wish everyone a very HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!. May the New Year bring good wealth, good health, good luck and everything else that is good! I have not celebrated CNY in Malaysia for 6 years now, 2004 marking the 6th year I would be living in Sydney. Sounds like an awfully long time ei? I have never really given much thought to it because well I was never that much of a CNY person. All I looked forward to were the holidays, angpaus and many open houses that my family would attend. It was also a yearly affair that my family had an open house and invited almost the entire community! Was good fun because the catered food was absolutely delicious what more the company, angpaus AND mini gambling area.

I remember once the 15 days of CNY was over we would sit around my parents room and count our new found money. We generally receive between $1000-$2000 each year and my parents would always round up the figure and put it in the bank for us. That would have made it roughly $16000 worth of money, now I wonder where all that money has gone! Possibly my dad used it to pay off my ever long credit card bill. Yes I have a weakness for shopping and it did not help when my dad handed me my card once I turned 18. Ah...the bliss of just signing, not thinking and not even having to look at the bill! It could've been worse though because my mom did think of passing on her gold Amex to me too but it was a wise choice for her not too! I was pretty contented with a regular gold visa, there's only so much shopping a girl can do right?...ermm...RIGHT?

But since then I HAVE improved tremendously. I still hold on to my dad's card but also I have gotten myself my first credit card, a Mastercard and more recently the Virgin credit card. I absolutely adore it! I've got the pink one and it just looks awfully pretty. I've been a good girl and for those out there who think I don't pay it off I DO!

Alrighty enough with cards and shopping it sorta is tempting me to go on a spree along Paddington. Something I can't afford to do since I have yet to be paid! Fel's sister has arrived back from Jakarta, her car is all fixed up (her battery died) so I still get to move around with Fel's car, HOORAY! A mere 2 weeks and he'll be back. Its so close ei? But seriously we have come to the point where missing each other is not existent anymore rather we NEED each other. He spoils me by ringing me in the middle of the night or before I go to bed so that he can say good night and I on the other hand ring him in the mornings! Calls have been getting more and more frequent with numerous sms-es a day. My mobile bill is going to be sky rocketing.

PLEASE just let this 2 weeks fly past. I'm glad that Monday will be a public holiday here since it is Australia Day, maybe I'll sleep in and *poof* there goes another day! It's horrible because at work I am constantly thinking of him. Lately I've been thinking of what will happen once he is back. I'll probably fly straight home after work and run through the door. I just can't wait...!!!

Btw has anyone decided on their Valentine's plans? We have decided to cancel our reservations both at Forty One and Catalina so that we can enjoy a romantic picnic brunch and cook dinner together! As for pressies...I am absolutely clueless! PLEASE pass on some ideas.....!!!

::: posted by Sass O at Thursday, January 22, 2004

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 :::
 
After many months Fel and I finally had our minor tiff. However he apologized for blowing up at me but I still feel abit sour about it. It was partly my fault I guess but I could not help telling him how I felt, its only fair? I shall not dwell on that matter here as it would be too long a story and too hard to understand. It was actually a minor issue but just like any minor issues it becomes unmanageable if not discussed. But we have decided to discuss it and things are better.

See it just didn't help that it all started just as I was about to sleep! Of course I got cranky and it started then. Fel and I are both extremely stubborn people and when we argue it takes a whole lot of will power to calm things down. Throughout our time together I am thankful that we have had less than 5 major arguments but after each one we tend to grow closer. Its not easy to point the finger at whose fault it was because I always believe when it happens both would be at all. Oh well...lets just hope this solves itself quickly cause really it is not my decision!

I'm so so tired today and wish I was at home sleeping instead. Tomorrow I'm working half day since it is Chinese New Year but I still need to come to the office on the 22nd. At least I do get some time off ei?

Was just thinking....being apart from Fel this long really isn't healthy for us. I think we have been so frustrated by the fact that we are so far apart that we have decided to vent it out on each other. Fel continuously tells me he needs me by his side and it does not help. I really wish he were here too. Two more weeks but somehow I get the feeling that the next 2 weeks will be a long long time.....

::: posted by Sass O at Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Monday, January 19, 2004 :::
 
Its Monday and how I wish I was still lazing about at home. My weekend was exceptionally eventful and it could not really have been any better, but of course if Fel was by my side it would have been much much better. My relos from Malaysia are here visiting a distant cousin of mine, Prissy. The entire family as well as Prissy's niece and nephew are here and boy do those two kids provide laughter! Kayla is 3 while Isaac is 5. They are so lovable!

We met the family at The Rocks followed by late lunch over at City Extra. Kayla and Isaac were still very quiet until we started our walk towards Opera House. Isaac kept standing in my way and in turn I tickled him. After the much needed "warm up" he was bugging me the whole way. He talked to me held my hand and told funny stories. As we reached the foot of Opera House I told him that he being so chubby would not be able to run up the steps. In an instant he was off running and said I'll be faster than you! He ran up and down twice as I was walking up and said to me "Ha-ha, I'm faster than you...told you so!" Imagine that coming from a 5 year old!

We then headed to Botanical Gardens and here Isaac saw the kids rolling down the grass slope. My mom got him to chase the birds and Kayla gladly ran after him too. He stopped dead in his tracks when he was surrounded by about 6 birds and a bird similar to a pelican. He took off and Kayla came running to us and jumped on the bench. We then persuaded Isaac to imitate the other kids, this he did but very cautiously! It took him about 5 minutes to actually roll down correctly and when he did he was there for AGES! When the kids left he decided to show off his karate skills to us. My cousin Prissy and her family are karate experts? If you could call them that. Apparently Prissy represented Malaysia in SEA Games and won? My uncle is a teacher/mentor (I'm not too sure what terms they use for Karate) and so is Prissy's brother Ian. So for the next half an hour we had little Isaac showing off his skills by asking Uncle Ian to pretend to be attacking him. It was hilarious! So that basically was my weekend! Besides cleaning the entire house and car early Sunday morning. I had everything done by 12pm! This included; car wash, cleaning backyard and getting rid of dead leaves (I can't possibly rake it because we don't have grass!), laundry, vacuuming the house and moping the kitchen. It was a good workout...wanted to scrub the bathrooms too but I needed to pick my parents up to meet my cousins.

Today, my brother received his main round of offers from University and he was accepted into Sydney University doing a Bachelor of Applied Science (Health Information Management) course. Though it was not his first choice but I think it is good enough. Over 45,000 people missed out on offers from the many universities here in NSW as reported by SMH, so congrats to my brother for gaining entry to one of Australia's finest Unis! It would then mean my brother and I graduating from the same uni. Am happy and proud! Just hope that my brother will buck up and do much better than he did in HSC. Wondering if he could do Honours but that of course is all up to him.

To sum it up, I had a terrific weekend and a good start to the week! Lets just hope more good news come in. Like Fel getting back here much earlier! If he does get the ticket it would mean he would be here in a mere 5 days. Fel hasn't been feeling all that good back in Jakarta, mainly cause he does not have much to do there besides playing pool, driving (golf) and watching movies. He sounded so depressed over the phone yesternite. Hope he's much better today!

Back to work now...

::: posted by Sass O at Monday, January 19, 2004